Almost everyone has different opinions when it comes to happiness. Some say it comes from love, money, friends  & family, God, nature, etc. And all this time, I’ve tried to figure out who was right. It was today that I realized what happiness really is about. It’s about whatever you want it to be about. Some people’s dream in life is to find that one person that was made for them, fall deeply and passionately in love, and live a life filled with joy from being with that person. Others dream about succeeding in the business world, and not having to worry  day to day about being able to put food on the table. Happiness to me is a mixture of all these things:

I’ve found someone I love with all my heart. After being hurt badly before in the past, I found it so hard to open myself up to anyone. But I have. This may be it for me, and I’d love that. But I know I’m young, and I’m open to whatever God has in store for me. The love that is present in my life right now is what makes me happy.

I’m about to start college with a goal in the back of my mind- do well so I can get a good job to support myself (and maybe a family at some point in the future). I know that living a  comfortable lifestyle will take away a lot of unnecessary stress. I’m not saying money is everything, I’m not saying that at all. What i mean is that I want to work hard and earn my money so that I can relax a bit.

I’ve gone through a lot these past few years in the friends area. I get let down a lot. I feel like friendship is being there for someone whenever they need it, and always trying to go the extra mile. I’ve learned the hard way that some people don’t share this belief with me. I’m not saying I’m perfect on any level, I’m just saying that I value friendship as a very high priority. All of my true friends know that I really would do anything for them. I’ve been hurt, very badly, by many friends. I’ve learned to accept, forgive, and move on. The people that are worth my time will be the ones there when it seems I have nothing left. I also love my family to death, and while I will be moving out in a week, I’m going to miss seeing them every day. They don’t know this, though. My friends and family make me extremely happy .

God’s presence in my life is no where near where I’d like it to be, and I take full responsibility. I love him and I know how much he loves me. I know I should pray more and be closer to him. Hopefully college will help me in that regard, because I do feel a desire in my heart to be closer to him. He’s the one that will never let me down, and will always make my heart happy.

I love flowers. They are beautiful and wonderful and God’s love song to me. No one knows this about me. I like to keep this between me and God. I’m not a fan of floral print and all of that artsy stuff, I just love flowers. Daisies, roses, lilies, tulips.. you name it. I love them all. And deep in my heart, I know God made these especially for me. To show me how much he loves me. I also love sunsets, and thunderstorms. They remind me how out of our control this earth is, and it’s breathtakingly beautiful all at once. Who doesn’t love a little bit of beauty?

i’m watching 50 first dates. and it’s making me so sad. if i ever fell in love and couldn’t remember him every single day after i wake up, i honestly don’t know what i’d do. if he couldn’t remember me, i’d be heartbroken. it’s one of those things that makes for a good sad sweet romantic movie. in real life though, it would be devastating.

everything is happening so fast these days. in less than a month i move out, into an apartment with a complete stranger. i leave the simple comfort of my house and room, all that’s familiar to me, for a life-changing experience that i was so excited for. was. now, i don’t know. all i’ve wanted since i was about 13 was to get out of this house and get away from my parents who don’t really know me. all i’ve wanted was to let myself flourish into the person i am inside because quite honestly, i have no idea who that person is. there are so many pieces of me that contradict one another and i have yet to figure out what kind of person i am and what i believe in. i don’t even know what i stand for. there’s so much for me to figure out.

at first i thought that by the time i was on my own, i’d have pretty much everything figured out. i thought that leaving home was something only mature people who knew themselves to the core did. i thought that  the only way to survive on your own was to know who you are, and what ‘your own’ consists of. but the more i think about it, the more i realize that maybe my struggle, my cross in life, will be just that. finding out who i am. maybe moving out and living on my own is part of my own journey of self-discovery i’ve read about in so many novels and stories in english class. maybe those writers actaully had a point. maybe i’m not alone in this.

what i do know for a fact, though, is that the world and everyone in it- we’re constantly changing. for better or for worse, i’m not the same person as i was when i started writing this little entry. every word i put down changes me in some small way so that by the time i’m finished writing this, maybe i’ll have a new perspective on some of the things that are troubling me at the moment. one thing i do know about myself is that writing down all my feelings, no matter how jumbled and off-subject they become, is my best form of clarity. each time i reach a new realization and understanding, i am different than how i was before. each nugget of knowledge and wisdom i gain changes me. sometimes in a big way, sometimes in a tiny way.

all i know, though, is that there’s a plan. there’s a reason for my confusion and although i may not ever know it, i trust that it is there. i’m struggling this as part of some bigger plot that i could never even dream of. i have faith that i am not alone, no matter how far off the path i go. i know that there’s always a chance for me and that i am loved. and at the end of the day, if you’re loved by the everlasting lover, what else matters?